The Secret Life of Therapists
Note: Before we begin, you will notice that I use she/her pronouns throughout this post. I thought about changing it but purposely didn’t. I think the fact that roughly 75% of all therapists are women is something to be celebrated :)
What is she thinking of me?
I doubt she has issues with her partner like I do with mine.
I wonder if she really means that. Does she say that to all of her clients?
Does she think I Should have already figured this out by now?
For so long, there has been an unnecessary + cryptic silence behind the art of therapy, as well as the therapist themselves.
What do therapists think about on a daily basis?
What are they like in “real life”?
Have they reached self-actualization (and worse — are they judging me for not being there yet?!).
Chalk it up to America’s historic discomfort with mental health, the “blank slate” Tabula Rasa Freudian concept, and, of course, ethical obligations regarding self-disclosure — this profession remains largely unknown.
Thankfully, there have been a few resources along the way that have helped us (trust me, there have been even more that have hurt us..) better understand the beauty of therapy as well as the intrigue and depth of the profession. (See: Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb for the former and The Patient on Hulu for the latter.)
By no means am I here to the remove the inherent mystery that organically exists within the therapeutic process; rather I am here to make you feel a little less alone — because isn’t that what we all want, really?
Following are some truths about therapists, myself most definitely included. Since I am writing them, please know that they are my opinions (ahem, strong opinions) and may not necessarily hold true for every other therapist.
one: I am not self-actualized, nor will I ever be.
I left you hanging earlier, did you catch that? I bet you did. No, therapists are not self-actualized. In my opinion, no one here on planet earth is. While we are very much searching for more meaning, alignment, and health in our lives, we are far from perfect and all-knowing of ourselves — or anything or anyone, for that matter.
While we have done a *shit ton* of reflection on our own lives as part of our schooling (think multiple 20 page papers on our own self development utilizing various therapeutic modalities to understand ourselves 🙃), we are still human.
What I mean by this is we as therapists are imperfect, messy, stubborn, mistake-makers, BUT, we too — just like our clients — are seeking change and growth.
TWO: Most days, I am preaching to myself.
Okay, let’s be honest — it’s every day. The only way I know how to sit with clients and experience glimpses of what they are experiencing is because I have felt a bit of it myself. No, not in the exact same ways that you have, but in at least somewhat of a similar fashion. Because of my common humanity, I am exposed to and affected by a lot of the things you are exposed to on a continual basis: fear, guilt, love, death, celebration, insecurity, pain, belonging, isolation, and grief. So when I say things that stick with my clients, I am saying it to myself, as well.
Three: I am consistently learning through my clients.
You guys are brilliant. While I may have a masters degree in clinical mental health counseling, this does not mean I have arrived. Ahem: re-read note one. I will never be all-knowing, therefore, I am always learning. And one of my favorite ways of learning is through YOU. I absolutely love when you — albeit unintentionally — teach me something about myself and the world through what you are experiencing and processing. It means more than you know, and I reflect on it often.
FOUR: When I allow myself, I become awestruck with wonder + joy at the privilege it is to have this occupation.
It’s truly amazing. There are times when I am quite literally sitting with a client during session and take a step back — metaphorically, of course — and ponder what I am doing. You know that moment when you feel like you are ‘zoning out’ due to the level of attention you are giving to one thing in particular? …But what you are really doing is ‘zoning in’ to the magic around you — of this exact moment, this exact place, this exact gift that life has presented you with.
As a therapist, I get the inconceivable opportunity of hearing your deepest darkest secrets, conundrums, and celebrations while holding them with the utmost care, compassion, and respect — WHAT IS THIS LIFE?!
I get to come alongside you as your confidant and fellow explorer, offering insight and different ways of being to guide you toward more compassion — for yourself and others.
I get to watch you — in your vulnerability and deepest courage + boldness — change and grow into more of the person you want to be.
I truly could not be more honored to have the profession that I do, and I will never let myself take it for granted.
FIVE: I am doing all of the #selfwork in the background in order to be able to do what I do.
Holding space for you is one of my greatest joys in this life, and it can be awfully heavy. The necessary pressure is on for me to be seeking support from colleagues, supervisors, consult groups, and my own therapist — quite frankly — in order to give you the support you deserve.
Unlike many other professions, when I am experiencing pain, sickness, hardship, and all of those other uncomfortable life elements — the things that you typically come to me for — I can’t hide behind my computer screen or switch to another project. I must show up as the tool. And this can only be done with the wise counsel and self work I am engaging in outside of my office.
[Please note that in no way whatsoever am I trying to belittle other occupations (by no means!), as all occupations are necessary + advantageous to this life. Rather, I am sharing one of the difficult intricacies of my profession.]
In summary, I truly hope that this post has helped you to feel less alone and has somewhat demystified the art of therapy and the personhood of the therapist themselves.
Perhaps it has also given you a little more courage in reaching out to a therapist for support.
I understand that investing in a relationship is a big deal — especially a relationship with a therapist.
I offer complimentary 20 minute phone calls to get to know each other a little and to see if it seems like we would be a good fit before scheduling an initial session.
My goal for you is to find a therapist that you feel safe + known with, and if I’m not the best fit for you, I have a list of incredible referrals I would love to provide you with. Reach out here to schedule a free consult.